How (Not) to Bring Someone a Meal

Awhile back I posted about about all the ways I went wrong trying to become an author, or how not to wash your clothes. I feel you all valued my blundering so much, that maybe I should periodically grace you with more sarcastic “how-to”s.  Ergo, my latest blunder…

HOW (Not) TO BRING SOMEONE A MEAL:

Step 1: Plan a day to bring someone a meal.

Step 2: However much you’re tempted, do not grocery shop for this meal until the day you must deliver it.  This lends an element of suspense to the event.  Ooh, see?  I have chills now.

Step 3: Around 10:30am the day of, peruse pinterest for a cute-looking, festive meal you’ve never made before in your life.  (Making a tried and true crowd pleaser is something only practical people wimps do.)

Step 4: Invite a friend to join you for frozen yogurt with the kids at 1:30 AFTER you grocery shop.  (See step 5 for the full problematic ramifications of this step.)

Step 5: Load kids in the car later than you planned to, and decide last minute that because you need diapers and wipes you should grab your groceries at Walmart instead of your local Stop & Shop.  This will save you money, but is a much farther drive.  (To keep you up to speed- the combination of steps 4 and 5 means you now have a bewilderingly short amount of time to finish your shopping in before meeting your friend for froyo.)

Step 6: Realize ruefully on the way to the store that you never fed your children lunch.  Please handle this step carefully: Avoid extreme language, and fight the natural instinct to bang your head on the steering wheel as you drive.

Step 7: Once in the Walmart parking lot, grab a cart that has one of those anarchistic wheels…You know, the cart where three of the wheels are behaving and the fourth has gone completely rogue and is making a “dgzz-dgzz-dgzz-dgzz” sound while flailing about.  Yes.  You know the one.  Ask yourself if you’re the only one who always picks these?

Step 8: Ditch cart for a new one, breathe in…breathe out.

Step 9: Re-discover the Subway restaurant INSIDE Walmart.  Pull your cart over and buy your children a healthy lunch while patting yourself on the back for redeeming your previous forgetfulness. Enjoy a proud moment.

Step 10: Recall that pride comes before a fall when the lady behind you in line discretely alerts you to the fact that your skirt is tucked up in the back.  Even though you will instinctively blush because your brain doesn’t know how to play it cool, try to act completely natural- joke casually with the lady saying, “At least I’m wearing leggings underneath!”  Ha-ha…Ahem.  Move as quickly as possible to the next step.

Step 11: Make a mental note to plan your trips better, as you realize that this isn’t a superWalmart and doesn’t have all the veggie items you need.  Return to the car and text your friend that you’ll be late for Froyo.

Step 12: Drive back to town quickly and buy your kids that Frozen Yogurt you promised.  Convince your son that they do not prefer children to go up for free refills.  Once the kids are full of sugar, move onto step 13.

Step 13: Go to a second grocery store to get the rest of your supplies.

Step 14: Multi-tasking Step:  Simultaneously put your son for a nap, bring the groceries in, and start the food prep, while mildly contemplating cleaning the dishes and checking facebook.  (For bonus fun, do this while singing Elton John’s “Rocket Man” until you get to the part in the chorus where you have to make up words because you don’t actually know how the song goes. Something about a fuse?)

Step 15: Realize you’ve forgotten chicken broth- replace the two cups of chicken broth with water and a pinch of salt and nervously move on.

Step 16: Finally pull your finished product out of the oven and gaze at its sort-of-OK-ness.  Not quite the pinterest picture, but your friend won’t know that.

Step 17: This is fairly critical so you’ll want to cut some corners to ensure failure.  Instead of putting the hot food and its flimsy disposable tray into a bag for protection, try to run it to the car with just your clumsy hands.  Inexplicably lose grip on the tray at the 1 yard line…as you try to put it in the car.  Now your food should look roughly like this, give or take a couple bites of sweet potato: (I’ll spare you the pinterest vs. real life comparison pictures at this stage.)

Step 17: Salvage what you can and bring a few backup food items on the off chance that your friend takes the careless looking food as a metaphor for your friendship, and deliver the food anyway!  (Confession of the spill is optional.  But I opted for honesty, in case you’re wondering.)

Step 18:  Insert a “clean van” step between step 16 and 17…and CONGRATULATIONS!  You’ve successfully  adequately passably made and delivered a meal to someone!