A Nightlight For the Dark

This past week I had a dark day.  Not just a day where you lose your car keys and burn the toast.  It was a day that brought me to my knees.  You know?  I felt defeated and depressed in every way; mentally I was off, a writing entry I’d submitted was rejected, my Mom and go-to person for venting was in the middle of her own emotional turmoil, my blood sugar levels were crazy elevated for no-good-reason (I’m a type-1 diabetic), and I found myself completely losing it and yelling at one of my kids (and not the borderline yelling that many of you think I’m not capable of going past).  I was in that zone somewhere between “I’m a massive failure” and “Why isn’t God doing something?”

At the end of the day I just wanted to go and ugly cry, and duke it out with God, but I had to leave the house to “be a leader” somewhere.  Really?  Who decided that I’d reached the emotional maturity to lead anything?  Who decided that I’m even mature enough to parent tender children when I’m prone to selfishness, losing perspective when the balls I’m juggling begin to drop all around me?

Dark days make me confront the absolute brokenness and weakness that I inhabit in this body.  I can’t seem to control my health any more than my anger and I long for something that is big enough to wrap up all that’s wrong with me, with the world, and fix it.

And let me say, I believe in a God who is the answer, but in those dark moments I have to ask…

“Why are we still waiting?  God are you really big enough, powerful enough, in the middle of my unraveling and ugliness, in the midst of disease that has not been fixed and may never be?  What’s the point of stars shining night after night, a world spinning redundantly, when death is at our doors, and hope seems to elude us?”

But there’s a strange gift in my darkest days.  What we believe when the sun is shining is nice- what we believe through our darkest moments is what really defines us.  Sometimes I think I have to confront the full force of my fears and failures in order to know that God is still there.  Maybe the dark forces my beliefs to bleed through a pinhole…and somehow the light is more evident when surrounded by night.

Even when I’m so torn as to question and doubt, there is something of His love that I just can’t escape.

And as I grasp for a verse to make everything OK, maybe there isn’t always one.  But I’ll share this, perhaps more as a mantra for the dark days than as a quick-fix for the broken:

Psalm 73: 26*

My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

Yes our bodies may not work as they should- yes our emotions, actions and hope may crumble- but God remains my constant and my gift.  No matter what?

(No matter what.)

*Scriptures taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™