Church: Please Help Women Lead Their Families Too

A conversation with a friend at the park this week turned up the heat on a dilemma already simmering in my mind. Growing up in the church I was repeatedly exposed to the idea that men are supposed to be the spiritual leaders of the family. I never gave much thought to the issue, because it fit without conflict in my life experience. Though my mother lead me spiritually in many ways, I always saw my dad, also my pastor, as the overarching spiritual guide of the home.

But when I got married at age 21 and we started having children, I quickly realized the passages I’d been taught didn’t offer the practical marriage roadmap I’d hoped. For instance, I remember feeling that I should bury my desire to move to a new home because I didn’t want to dishonor God in my marriage if my husband thought differently. But that just created resentment for me and confusion for my spouse.

And I became increasingly frustrated as my husband and I walked the tension between what I thought raising a family was supposed to look like, and the reality of parenting with our differing personalities, upbringings, and expectations.

Over a decade of marriage later, I’m finding other women who have the same types of questions:

• What does it mean to communicate my needs to my husband but also let him lead? Does that mean that I have to defer to him any time we have a disagreement?
• What does it look like to let our husbands “lead spiritually” if they didn’t have a context for that in their experience? (In other words, if one parent saw spiritual leadership modeled during childhood and the other didn’t, or one is new in their walk with God.)
• Will men only lead if women “give them space” to lead? If so, how do women give space without leaving a vacuum in leadership?
• How do individual personalities and strengths/weaknesses play into God’s design for co-leadership in homes?
• Are we sometimes perpetuating harmful ideas about marriage and family that are limiting couples and their children?

An uncritical view of the Bible’s take on men leading our homes and marriages leads to confusion and frustration. I know many women can put a lot of pressure on their husband’s to “be the leader” which places an ambiguous stress on him. Yet the wife may be acting out of fear that their family is “failing” or doesn’t meet a Biblical expectation.

Some women might wait around passively, desiring more for their kids yet not wanting to take over their husband’s spiritual role. The result may well be that no one is truly leading, which hurts everyone.

Other women will try to lead their kids spiritually, but may feel guilty or resentful or undersupported.

No matter what you believe about the roles of men and women in the family, one thing seems very clear:

Women need to be supported in how they can spiritually co-lead (or lead, as single parents) their kids.

Why? Because men and women lead their kids together. God designed us to need each other.

Church, let’s not just have messages telling men “how to be men” or women “how to be women.” Because whenever we over-define our roles, we risk oversimplifying and leaving everyone who doesn’t fit in our ideal system or personality type to feel lost and confused.

And let’s be honest about what it means to lead in different ways. One parent my lead in overarching tones, but another may lead in the day to day application. In different seasons, one parent may be home with the kids more than the other. This parent will inevitable have more access to teachable moments, the heart issues that arise in our kids, and opportunities to pray and teach about God in natural ways throughout the day. Are we talking about these practical issues?

Women need tools to lead well and be confident that their leadership is not rebellious. We need to know how to support our husband but he also needs to know how to support us and listen to her as a key influencer in their family.

Let’s keep the discussion going, ESPECIALLY for those who feel like they are falling through the cracks or don’t fit the “perfect” model.

NOTE: This post is part of an ongoing series of posts encouraging conversations that people are afraid or uncomfortable to bring up in the Church. My heart is not to exhaustively or even authoritatively answer each question, but to create a safe space for dialogue and discussion. Feel free to comment to keep the discussion moving, but please speak through the lens of grace and humility as we seek God’s heart together. And if you have topics for a future post, please share!!