Irritability in the Uncertainty

Do you ever have a life-clarifying moment that forces you to ponder… “Is something seriously wrong with me?”

Not in the, “I accidentally put my wallet in the fridge and the cheese in my purse” kind-of-way. In the way where you fear you might be borderline crazy. And I’m using “borderline” pretty loosely here.

I’m noticing an unfortunate trend in myself where I get irritable and emotional about all the things. Trust me, I’ve tracked the calendar and wish I could blame this on hormones, but…NOPE. It’s all me.

I’ve become irrationally consumed with keeping the kitchen table area clear, so that I’ve resorted to telling the kids if they don’t keep THEIR things off MY table, I have no qualms with dumping their stuff in the trash. This is how I ended up throwing out the sash to my son’s bath robe. You better care, because I don’t.

And there’s the wrappers- for the love of all things holy- as if it weren’t bad enough that you lie about how many granola bars you ate, you then leave all the evidence to the contrary on the living room floor!! Have some self-respect and at least hide your trail.

And then there’s the being annoyed at random things well-meaning people say. How DARE you offer me advice out of the kindness of your heart??!!

Or how I rehearse what I WISH I’d said to people when they make statements I blatantly disagree with, when instead my people-pleasing instincts only allowed me to nod at them demurely as though I endorsed every word.

And don’t even get me started on repetitive noises- if one more child taps one more object against ANY other object (including, but not limited to, their sibling’s head) I may tape their hands together.

But the kicker for me was that recently I called to make a last minute tooth extraction for my kid. Between emailing and calling the office, the pediatric dentist office would tell me they had certain times available, which I would then pass along to my husband to cross-reference schedules. By the time I would call back, the slot would have been filled, and it honestly made me almost as irritable as Mrs. White from Clue.

So by roughly the 3rd time I called, and the receptionist said the triggering words, “Oh, I’m sorry, we don’t have that slot free anymore” I entered into a conversation which can only be referred to as awkward desperation.

ME: “OK, well I understand that you can’t hold slots for patients, but I literally got an email that this time was free, and called within 30 minutes to confirm it, but you were on lunch break, so I’m calling as soon right after lunch and you’re telling me the space is gone??”

WOMAN: “Yes- these slots often get taken pretty quickly- this one looks like it was filled with a child with a similar problem as your son.”[

As if she could get me to sympathize with whatever schmuck took my kids’ spot.

At this point I could tell there was absolutely nothing the receptionist could DO. But like a crazed bee that will have its vengeance even you entered his space accidentally…I felt myself compulsively drawn to stay on the line.

ME: “Next time can you have someone call me instead of emailing? I have FOUR kids, and by the time I coordinate with my husband and work everything out, I call you and the time is GONE.”

I could now feel the woman’s desperate desire to end the call, but I kept grasping for some sense of retribution resolution retroactive control over the situation.

WOMAN: “I’m sorry….umm…you’re sure you can’t do tomorrow at three.”

Those were fighting words. And that started me off on yet another rant about how 3pm would be the worst possible time in the history of appointments. OK. Tone that back by 18% and you’ll get close to my real conversation.

I finally exhaled some exasperated sigh, so there was no doubt in the receptionist’s mind that I was not OK, and I told her we’d take the later appointment that we’d already set up.

(Oh, hmm…did I fail to mention that this was not a life or death situation and that I was going to have to wait all of an extra 2 days for the next available appointment? Like I said, I’m definitely the crazy one in this story.)

I don’t know what a therapist would call this moment- a breakdown, a sign of depression, a bout of rage, perhaps symptoms of unresolved stress and anxiety….or maybe just poor manners?

I guess we all have our tipping point. For me, I’m realizing that all the uncertainty of fostering has made me more than a little desperate to control anything else that I can. So when something small like a dentist appointment doesn’t work out the way I’d expected, I evolve into a slightly-less-green Hulk.

And I’m also realizing that, especially growing up within the church, I felt compelled to never really be honest about how I was feeling. I should be joyful always- never complain- always find the good thing God was doing in the midst of the pain- stuff away certain emotions that weren’t really godly enough to present.

But the truth is that hiding it all keeps us stuck, confused, and at odds with ourselves and others. We think that avoiding or denying our worst emotions and parts will keep us whole and free, but David G Benner suggests the opposite.

There is enormous value in naming and coming to know these excluded parts of self. My playful self, my exhibitionistic self, my pleasing self, my competitive self and many other faces of my self all are parts of me, whether I acknowledge their presence or not. Powerful conditioning in childhood encourages us to acknowledge only the most acceptable parts of our self. And parts of self that are not given a place at the family table become stronger, not weaker.”

–The Gift of Being Yourself, by David G Benner.

When we repress what we feel we shouldn’t be or feel, that part of us actually increases in strength. He continues saying that,

Some Christians become quiet upset at the suggestion that self-acceptance must precede transformation. They argue that self-acceptance is that exact opposite of what we are supposed to do to the parts of self that do not honor God…But attempts to eliminate things that we find our our self that we do not first accept as part of us rely on denial, not crucifixion….Only after we genuinely know and accept everything we find within our self can we begin to develop the discernment to know what should be crucified and what should be embraced as an important part of self.”

–The Gift of Being Yourself by David G Benner

Obviously my over-venting to the pediatric dentist receptionist crossed over the line, but it points to a root issue that is deeper that I really need to expose long enough to find healing from. And perhaps we are so good at preaching to ourselves and others what we shouldn’t do, that we’ve become far more focused on denial and minimizing than in true transformation.

Maybe we don’t need another person to tell us to focus on the silver lining, to stop being selfish, or to work on improving the fruits of the Spirit in our lives. Maybe sometimes that “fixing” is actually keeping us broken longer.

Like many of you, I’m realizing more than ever just how far the depths of my not-OK ness run- my struggles with uncertainty, my anger, my selfish tendencies, and my inability to change myself or others, and my desire to manage everyone’s perception of me anyway. And maybe it just takes that extra thing that puts us over the edge to unravel accidentally- that allows us to start unraveling intentionally in a way that leads to freedom.

So if you’re reading this, I hope you feel a little less alone in whatever your recent inappropriate unravelling may be. And may you not feel the need to be fixed, but instead find the courage to dig deeper into where your triggers are pointing to emotions and burdens long buried.

Unless you’re reading this and your the pediatric receptionist- in which case, I sincerely apologize.