Motherhood: The Good, the Bad and the Sticky

All the experts (those who have four+ children) say once you get to three kids, adding one more is no big deal. You shift to zone defense, buy snacks in bulk, and call it a day.

I’m now certain all those friends collectively lied; you know who you are, and you’re dead to me. Four is tricky. I’d like to call it an exhausting joy- a whole lot of love and mirth wrapped up in a sometimes claustrophobic blanket of chaos.

For one, I’m having to reorient myself to baby life. Let’s just sit on the concept of formula alone for a hot minute. My life now revolves around a 3-4 hour eating schedule experiment, rife with the polar opposite fears of overfeeding the baby into a constipative bloat, or feeding her so little that she’ll rely on carpet fuzz to supplement her nutrition. “Did she eat 8 oz this time because she was really hungry, or because she eschews consistency? Is she actually full or does she just not like this intuitive blend of kiwi and kale? (Or is she just playing mind games with me, taking a bite selectively only to spew the sticky contents like I’m some kind of veggie puree splatter paint canvas?)

Which brings me to my next question: Why is it that as soon as the formula exits the canister, it immediately becomes cemented like a barnacle to an unsuspecting whale?

I’m fairly convinced that the inventors of baby formula were originally trying to create glue. But when they realized the market for powder-based adhesive was grim, and their ingredients were mostly edible, they made a few changes, tossed in a vitamin or two, and called it baby food.

Then they slapped on a hefty price tag and conspired with the retailers to always keep your child’s preferred formula low in stock to increase the maniacal desperation for their product.

(You think that’s a stretch? Journey through my week with me…I went to CVS in my town on Monday to find my kid’s formula- there was one in stock, which I snatched up. Like someone making an illicit drug deal, I was tipped off by the checkout attendant that a truck with fresh product would arrive Thursday. On Thursday, a different attendant said the Monday holiday pushed back the shipment a day. Friday I was told they were still unloading the damn truck stock. I skipped Saturday to give them a little time, (also because holy loads of laundry, I have more things to do than daily hunt and gather formula) only to return Sunday and find that they had no new inventory. My eyes must have betrayed my deep disappointment, because without asking, the attendant promptly pulled up all the stores within a 20 mile radius that possibly had my formula in stock. Two CVS stores (in opposite directions) later, I’ve finally got enough formula to last me all of half a month. Don’t tell me there’s no conspiracy!)

But sticky things are hardly a baby exclusive. From science experiments to rogue urine, nothing is safe from sticky.

It definitely makes me think of Jenn Barkley’s character in Park’s and Rec:

And I wish I could say it’s just my kids, but I make nearly as many messes as they do. Today I screwed up an “easy” dulce de leche creme filling for my son’s choco-churro doughnut recipe. The short story is that I went off-script and ended up with partially caramelized sweetened condensed milk overflowing to my microwave. (And it takes a lot to put “clean microwave” on my to-do list.)

I would absolutely share more with you- but I’m pretty sure nap time is over and the caffeine has worn off.

So for now- drop off your most helpful hints for ways to entertain babies and children during COVID!! (On an unrelated note, I’m also accepting applicants for unpaid nanny interns. What’s in it for you? My children will look excellent on your résumé. You’re welcome.)