Resentment: A Bridge to Nowhere

Does anyone else feel like they are looping through the Covid version of the stages of grief? When it first started, I was in denial. I naively believed that at the other end of that three-month long quarantine rainbow, I’d be able to return to the pot-of-gold normalcy I’d previously enjoyed. I assembled puzzles like it was my job- I planned out plants for the garden- and I made a funny video with my kids. (So temporary, guys. Let’s all do happy things! Chin up!)

Somewhere along the line (probably out of the correct stages-of-grief order because I’m a rebel) I hit anger, which for me was trying to fix and challenge everything that still felt in my control or reach. I tried to make changes at my church where things didn’t feel healthy. I was critical (from my couch) of non-mask wearers and people I didn’t think were being Covid-careful enough. I rolled my eyes a lot and made snarky comments to my husband about things that are not right- not just! If nothing was going to change, I was going to at least make a loud noise and point out problems.

And there was certainly a time of bargaining, mixed with a fresh side of denial. (I think that’s my favorite stage to park.) For me, it was more about “proving” to myself and the world that I was dine and fandy. I mean, fine and dandy. Nothing wrong with me. Ahem. (Just clearing my throat- not a cough. Promise.)

If I can’t have ____________ (normal social gatherings, singing with people, mingling at church) I’ll create my own version. I’ll sing with myself (literally) on FB; I’ll make phone calls to people from church; I’ll learn to be fine on my own. If I can prove I don’t need anyone, then none of this will be a problem. If the previous things that gave me value won’t change for me, I’ll find new ways to seek value. As a mom. As a social-distanced friend. On the prayer team. Whatever it takes. I’ll give you all my old worth in a grand bargain for new worth, and we can all get on with the “new normal”.

But that hasn’t worked so well either.

So now, I think I’m stuck somewhere between depression and acceptance. I can tell I’m edging closer to acceptance because I (mostly) stopped lying to myself:

I realize Covid things aren’t going to change any time soon. I realize that, though I don’t miss all of how my life used to be, I do miss the rhythms of friendship I had known. I don’t miss “church services”, but my soul does long for a close group to regularly walk with me on my journey with God. There are parts of homeschooling my kids that I’m truly enjoying, and at the same time I feel I’ve lost a piece of ME in giving up most of my free time.

But I know that I’m not fully in the acceptance stage because acceptance is where decisions are made. Acceptance doesn’t wait for someone or something else to change. Acceptance isn’t about temporarily making lemons from lemonade; it’s launching a whole freaking lemonade franchize, because life isn’t going to stop being lemony for quite some time. Acceptance is a place where I’m not only aware of the boundaries and difficulties of life, but I’m not trying to fight them because I see them as part of my story. (Not some weird, world-wide intermission.)

I’m there in some ways. But not completely. (As life usually goes.)

I’m stuck somewhere between depression and acceptance, which happens to be the land of resentment.

As I contemplate the things that need to change in my life for me to live fully and freely, I realize certain things have to go. Certain relationships have to change. Old habits must die, and new patterns emerge.

If something from my old life isn’t changing- isn’t serving me- isn’t healthy- ACCEPTANCE means that I both:
1) Acknowledge that truth
2) Release the old to make way for the new (an action on my part)

But letting go is the worst. I have a lot invested in “old”. So instead, I allow myself to hold onto a stubborn thread of resentment.

Resentment is a stepping stone to acceptance in that it:
1) Acknowledges the truth (that something is wrong or unhealthy)

But, that is where it stalls & dies because instead of releasing, resentment:
2) Holds the problem accountable for the solution (and passively waits)

Resentment is a lingering vestige of situational depression which simultaneously believes that “everything” is wrong and “everything” owes me better. Such a sticky place to be.

I was praying this week over a specific resentment in my life, because I’ve recognized the ugly burden that I’ve been carrying. I want to share a few things that God showed me that may help others as well.

First, ask yourself
1) “Can this problem even be fixed by someone or something else changing?”

(For my situation, I’m still not sure. I think some changes could be made by others, but the truth is that the frustration may have more to do with ME and what I’m realizing about what myself and my family need.)

If the situation (or relationship or organization) will NEVER be what we need, regardless of potential changes, then we need to walk away.

If this is you- skip to step 3. (If not- don’t worry- we’ll all get there eventually.)

2) If the problem CAN be fixed by an outside change, ask yourself:
-Is there a healthy way I can be part of the change, and am I willing to put in that work?
-Am I willing to wait for this change to happen, knowing at least some of it is out of my control?

If the answer to either of these is “no” then you have to move to step three and release. If your answer to BOTH is “yes” then you have to make a battle plan to stay without being fueled by resentment or unhealthy anger. (Yes…some anger is good and brings about needed change.)

For me, I think I’ve done a lot of dancing around my situation, asking what I can change, waiting for things to move, and I’m feeling empty and numb as a result. Last year my healthy decision was to fight. Sometimes different seasons require different actions. This year, I’m wondering if the fight is becoming denial about myself and the situation. If so, maybe I need to disconnect from the forge a new path.

You must weigh out your situations for yourself.

3) God showed me: “You can’t nurse resentment AND be free to pursue My best for you.” Whether you are meant to stay and fight, or you are meant to leave and pursue something new, you CAN’T hold resentment and freedom at the same time.

Seriously.

Resentment is the sense that someone OWES me something. Often we equate what we’ve done for a person, group, or organization as a kind of investment: I’ve put in time, money, service, love, faithfulness, etc. In our minds, unconsciously, we believe we are OWED something in return: returned love, faithfulness, worth, value, being seen, being invited to create change, the sense that our opinions or needs matter.

When we let go of something or someone, we are admitting, “That currency or contract I trusted in is void. The other side cannot come through in the way that I need.”

Breaking the old perceived contract is painful, because it usually represents a large investment of time, energy and heart. We feel if we move on, all of our time and feelings were wasted- so we’re afraid to leave.

Resentment, in some ways, is an excuse to not move on. We want to believe that resentment is a bridge- a bridge to change, a bridge to new, a bridge to healthy- but resentment is a circle, and it takes us nowhere. Whether we want to say and fight for change or leave and fight for freedom- resentment is not the path that will get us where we truly want to be.

4) Even when we choose to stay and fight for a person, place or situation, we still must come to this truth: “I do not own someone (something) and they do not own me.”

God reminded me quite simply in my circumstance that until I believe that I am God’s and He is mine and that His is the only rock-solid identity contract I can trust, then I’ll constantly be disappointed by failed “contracts” with others. I’ll keep trying to force others to “pay me” what I believe I’m owed- but that’s not anyone’s job.

Only God is enough. Only God can out-love and out-faithful and out-give me every time. Only God’s contract (His grace and sacrifice for me) and identity over me stands forever.

Maybe the next step to acceptance is to remember Where I stand that never changes. Maybe it’s accepting that the Spirit will be with me no matter where I go. Letting go is not a final end, a failure, a forever loss. I don’t need to hold on to old things with resentment. God’s grace and creation within us gives us both the security to release and the Holy and brave imagination to envision the new.

So here’s to exiting the resentment bridge. Cheers!