Encaged by Encouragers: Recognizing When Our Leaders Have Become Our Limits

In light of feedback from my last blog post, I feel the need to explore the idea of people pleasing and dreaming in more depth.

Often when we think of the people in our lives that put limits on us and our dreams, we imagine those negative voices and bullies that criticized us or made us feel unworthy. It could have been a teacher, parent, or coach- anyone we felt had influence or authority over us.

When people tell us we can’t do something or aren’t good enough over and over, it can become false identity that keeps us from trying or believing that we can be more than what someone else sees in us.

If this is a theme in your story, let me be one more voice reminding you that you are nothing less than the image of God, fearfully and wonderfully created, with good plans and purposes designed IN ADVANCE for you. You are not “too” anything for God: (Too late, too inexperienced, too emotional, too weak, too messed up, too slow, too much, too scared, too tone deaf, too shy, too loud, too…anything!) Be free and be brave in all of what Christ gives you.

But I want to speak today to an entirely different trap that I have fallen into more frequently in my journey with God that has kept me from fully living:

Sometimes we are most trapped not by our adversaries, but by our advocates. Sometimes we can become encaged by our encouragers.

I’ve had many encouragers and mentors since I was a child- people who have challenged me to grow, given me opportunities to use my gifts, and gave me enough positive praise to motivate me to pursue God’s heart for me. I thank God for this mentor bouquet, comprised of parents, friends, pastors, and more.

But our enemy loves to take some of the most powerful catalysts in our lives, and twist them into sources of more fear, insecurity and doubt. For me, this has happened when I’ve begun to rely too much on those mentors for validation, affirmation, and approval.

When someone offers us encouragement (in our passion, calling, vocation or ability) it can give us wings to pursue what we previously thought impossible or unattainable. Ongoing encouragement often turns into mentorship, which goes beyond verbal praise to include platform sharing and resources for opportunities to use our gifts.

The more I understand leadership and callings/vocations, the more I believe that each of us needs people in our lives that will hold our hand, give us eyes to see our God-potential, and offer us connections and spaces to use our growing gifts and abilities. This is biblical and a true reflection of the way God pours into us so we can go and do likewise.

But there can come a point when a mentor can actually become an unhealthy master. Some leaders thrive on power, and they intentionally force a certain amount of control or manipulation over others.

But many times, we allow others to control us because we have turned them into idols in our lives. We subtly move them into God’s seat in our lives, allowing their word to carry more weight than our Maker.

Maybe you’re encaged by an encourager if you can relate to some of these statments:

• You feel like you can’t make a decision without this person’s blessing or approval.
• This person has been so encouraging, that you fear they see you as more than you are. You are so afraid to fail in front of them, that you sometimes limit yourself to “safe” tasks that you know you can perform well instead of taking risks.
• You may have an opinion or conviction, but you’re afraid to openly speak it if your mentor doesn’t fully agree.
• OR you’re quick to become deflated/back down if your mentor doesn’t share your degree of enthusiasm or passion for an issue.
• You’ve come to believe that you can only step into the opportunities that your mentor provides, and you stop dreaming outside the lines of the contexts that they offer you. (Whether church roles, ministry ideas, job titles, or creative platforms, or family plans.)
• You are genuinely unsure what you would do if this mentor was removed from your life, whether because of a transition, move, or other life shift.
• You may start to blame this person for a “lack” of opportunities. If we give unhealthy power over our circumstances to someone else, we can act as though we are victims of them. You might say things like, “I could be an amazing ___________ if this person would only give me a chance.” OR “I can’t do that (job, role, idea) because ___________ never asked me to.”
• You may think about this person’s opinion of you more than your worry about other people’s opinions.
• You find that sometimes you don’t ask yourself what YOU want because you need to know what you want will be acceptable to one or all of your encouragers.
• You might start to say “yes” to anything this mentor asks of you, because you fear you will not get more opportunities, or you are afraid to let them down.
• You sometimes feel that you must filter what you think God is saying to you through the lens of your mentor, instead of the other way around.

What do we do when this happens?

I think the first important thing is to regularly take stock of the people in our lives that are encouragers to us. It is good to notice these people and express gratitude for them. But then we need to look at that list and ask God if any of those people have started to take His place in our lives.

• Ask God to show us if our dreams are being drawn inside someone else’s box.
• Notice when we allow someone else to determine the temperature of our passion for a cause or calling.
• Ask ourselves if we there are certain people we are especially afraid to fail in front of, and why?
• Learn to filter this person’s requests through God’s lens for you: Does it fit within your skill set and passions? Is it something you can say yes to without guilt? If not, then learning to say “no” is a huge way of releasing yourself from living to please any one person.
• If you feel resentment that someone might not be “giving you” opportunities, ask God to show you whether He wants you to pursue your gift/abilities somewhere else or in a different way? Ask God to show you where you’ve stopped taking responsibility for the gifts and call He has given you.
• Regularly give God your desires and passions- ask Him to shape them and correct them if they’re off. Yes, it’s helpful to “listen to advice and accept instruction” from wise people on your journey. But spend more time asking God what He thinks than in asking others.
• As my dad says, we’re all “partly wrong.” Remind yourself of this when you disagree with your mentor. They may be wise and godly and amazing, but that doesn’t mean they will never be wrong. Your job is not to blindly follow everything they say.

This is just a starter list to recognize when our mentors have become our masters, but you may have many other ideas to share. I’m still on my journey to freedom, and I’m using this recent “SPACE” from people to allow God to free me from those negative voices. I’d love to hear your story and the ways that YOU have learned to listen to God’s voice above the other voices.