A Very Covid Foster Process

Between my lackluster performance as a homeschool mom distance learning aid, and my recent inability to operate a calendar, I’ve been a bit behind on our foster adoption updates!

When social distancing first began in March, we were just two classes away from finishing our TIPS-MAPP (T-rauma I-nformed P-artnering for S-afety and P-ermanence — M-odel A-pproach to P-arterships in P-arenting) classes.

(Which reminds me- whatever happened to catchy, correctly spelled acronyms like DARE?)

At that time, we were told in person classes and trainings were shut down until at least May 2nd.

I admit I was discouraged, because I just wanted to check off one more box that I could control in this process. And now I had to add “foster classes” to the ever growing list of things I can’t control, along with “my emotions”, “that stupid math app for my kindergartener”, “the magically re-appearing clutter on my kitchen table” and “the poor choices my favorite tv characters keep making”.

At the same time, there was so much transition in those first few weeks that fostering soon moved to the back of my mind as I worked towards readjusting my life to quarantine and all its ramifications.

(Can you relate to those dreams that were momentarily put on hold in your life?)

However, more recently, we’ve made some incredible progress in our licensing process due to DCF’s adaptability in our situation. We’ve been able to finalize our TIPS-MAPP class online, as well as take a virtual CPR class (with the understanding that we will take the live class when it is available.)

Our social worker has also had a couple additional virtual meetings with my husband and I to round out any last questions she has about us. In addition, this week we are filling out a form that defines what kind of child we feel comfortable fostering. We must check off everything from age and racial/ethnic background, to behavioral, mental or medical issues a child might have.

This is always one of the most difficult decisions, because I want to check off every box and say we’d love any kid no matter what. But there are many medical and behavioral issues that we know would be too hard for us to handle, especially with three other children already in the home.

I’m learning (beyond simply this form) that in life we must be honest about our limitations and boundaries. Lying to myself about what I can handle will only result in heartache. But if we give honest boundaries, we can trust that God will give us wisdom for what specific children to say “yes” to in the future. (And our “yes” won’t be driven by guilt or denial.)

After the next couple of online meetings, 0ur social worker will take all this information along with our original answers on our application to form our “homestudy”: this will help future social workers understand who we are, what our family is like, and what child might be a fit for our home.

We’ve been told that by summer (possibly as early as June!) we will be licensed and ready to start getting calls for vulnerable children. This has given me an incredible sense of hope and purpose in this time when so few things feel certain. I’m more convinced than ever that God put us in this situation to care for a child in such a covid time as this.

However, the nearness of holding and caring for a child has revealed a tension in my heart. In the last several months I’ve been reminded that some of the strong qualities that make me a good writer and speaker, also hold space for one of my great weakness.

Though I deeply desire to be open and honest about the gritty details of my life so that I can connect with many of you, foster classes have repeatedly reminded me that not all stories or details are fully mine to share.

My desire to honestly walk all of you through our foster process will soon be at odds with my need to protect the story of a child and her birth family- a story that doesn’t belong to me.

Though I’ve known this in my heart, and I never planned to share any specific child’s story, I’ve decided to limit my fostering updates once we are placed with a child. I will still be journaling my live thoughts so I don’t lose the real-time emotions, and at points may share about what’s happening in my own heart related to fostering as we continue.

But for those following our journey, I just wanted to be up front that I won’t be posting details of our placement or of the child here in the future.

For those that we spend time with, the child will absolutely be part of our everyday family life, and we don’t want there to be any sense of secretiveness or shame surrounding that. Still…

There are places in my own journey that I haven’t been ready to share with the world, just as you have those places in your soul. There’s a dignity and power that come from being able to own our story…and not every detail of a story must be HEARD to be powerful.

(I’m preaching to my extroverted, over-detail-indulging self here.)

But I’m hoping the story of walking through licensing is still helpful for some of you.

I remember a time when we were on the fence about fostering/adopting and friends of ours opened their home to let us ask them questions. The more that actual friends (not celebrities and saints) opened up about their journey, the more I thought to myself, “This is something we could actually do too!”

Maybe you’re not interested in fostering- but in some small way, maybe hearing my story simply reminds you that those deep desires from God in your own heart are absolutely with exploring and taking baby steps towards.

Even if I can’t share every detail, I hope the pieces of my story help you find a little bit more of yours.