10 Isolation Confessions: Some Humor for Those at Home

You guys….

(Sorry. I totally just lost my train of thought. Nope- that’s not even true. My train of thought derailed about two weeks ago, and is probably stuck in a ditch or river somewhere. I looked up images for derailed trains; it’s not pretty.)

How are you doing? I mean- I know everyone and their mother is asking that, and none of us has a good answer, and yet we keep asking each other anyway. (You’re welcome.)

In an attempt to give MY answer to that question (not that you asked) I’ll share a few confessions from my own life lately. (Either you will completely relate, and we will share mutual warm fuzzy feelings of solidarity… or you can plan to awkwardly avoid eye contact with me next time I see you, which will hopefully be far enough away that you’ll have forgotten everything I said by then.

But I digress. (Refer to above comment about derailed trains.)

1. If I were Tom Hanks in the movie “Castaway” I would need a whole case of volleyball “Wilsons”. Wilson is probably a great listener, but what if he doesn’t understand the depth of my emotions? Or what if he’s passive aggressive and avoids me for days at a time, and I need another low-drama Wilson to help me out? And I’m definitely going to need at least one Wilson who is a great hugger, one who is an encourager, and another who enjoys just being critical for the moments I want to punch the encouraging Wilson in the nose. (Despite the following reasons for struggling to be patient with my family, it really is better for my head to be isolated with a clan of people.)
2. I really miss hugs and in person chats.
   
   I haven’t actually been to the grocery store in at least a week, but the last time I was there I had to really hold myself together to not hug the friends I passed within 8 feet of. You know who you are- and if I made you uncomfortable with my over-eager talking, I apologize. You know what…I’m not even sorry. This is who I am and you should know better than to pause for 2 whole seconds and say hi to me if you didn’t want a 5 minute conversation. Your fault.
3. Every day I play a little game called, “Let’s See How Long Mom Takes to Lose Her S*!$” This is a game that really any parent can try, and it plays a lot like “Jenga”. All you need are a few baseline stacked tressors (chronic illness, anxiety, irritable bowel syndrome, etc) and then start precariously stacking extra stressors on top. Maybe a spilled coffee- a child whining about how you screwed up peeling their orange- Amazon prime trying to charge you $18 to rent the new “Emma” movie- your kids arguing about who gets to use the computer (even though their whole life is on the computer)- or a spouse who stacks the dishes in the sink so full that you have no room to wash anything.
   
   Keep stacking and stacking until you eventually make it to the end of the day without knocking over the tower, OR your tower falls down in dramatic fashion.
   
4. I’m on my second 1000 piece puzzle in two weeks, and may have to order more. This is one of my healthier quarantine activities. (Much better than snacking myself into an unrecognizable blob or spending 45 minutes trying to pick out an acceptable Netflix movie.)
   
5. I’ve got some weird kindergarten songs stuck in my head. Part of my solution to being inactive is to get up and move with my kids whenever they are doing online dance or music videos. But not all songs are created equal, and it seems the one that I most remember right now is kindergarten place value: “TWELVE is a group of ten with TWO extra ones!!” Everybody!!
6. I get IRRATIONALLY excited about getting in my car. The other day I offered to drop something off for someone, and she said, “Oh I hate to make you drive that far.” And I said something along the lines of, “What? No. Are you kidding? If I get that long in a car by myself I’ll be in heaven.” Don’t you dare take that from me. (The only DOWN side to infrequent car trips, is that now I’m aware of that slightly weird van smell that has probably been there for many moons.)
7. Most of my wardrobe seems irrelevant. I’m rotating through all my sweat and yoga pants, and putting aside my usual jeans. (Although I do make it a point to wear “real pants” every so often, partly because I might lie to myself about weight gain, but my skinny jeans are so obnoxiously honest.)
8. Since I can’t feel productive in most areas of my life, I’m obsessed with the little check-boxes. This means I’m making my bed with alarming regularity, I’m meal planning like a pro err… like a normal mom under normal circumstances, and I’m crazy addicted to learning Spanish on my Duolingo app. “Sí, me gustaría un café sin azúcar y una ensalada con todo el queso porque mis hijos no me escuchan.”
9. I’m gathering a list of recent “buzz words” . (These would make a fun drinking game, except I’m so dehydrated from excessive coffee that it will have to be shots of water.) I came up with “unprecedented“, “hands“, and “China” and my friends added “toilet paper“, “exponential” “curves”, “homeschool”, and “fluid situation”. Help me stay hydrated…comment with any buzz words I missed!
10. I’m adopting mid-life crisis mindset. All this schedule and location monotony is making me itchy to make some major change in any part of my life that I can control. Apparently all the tattoo places are closed, so that option is out. However, I bought some fun temporary burgundy hair dye. I figure, if I’m going to go a little crazy, I better alter something from the neck up so people can appreciate it through zoom. (Yes. I still need people-validation unfortunately.)
    

So that’s about where I’m at. Although I haven’t really gotten into the nitty gritty of home-schooling woes, temper tantrums (sometimes mine), and my parents’/siblings’ recent attempt to do a group zoom call with everyone. But for now, I have to go because my food in the crock pot seems to be over-cooking, which has never really happened to me because I usually put food in too late, not too early.

Jokes aside, I’m praying you are all doing well- I know it’s not an easy time and if you need to reach out and talk or zoom or whatever- I’m here! (And trust me, you will not be bothering this extrovert by asking to chat.)