Taylor Swift and My “To Disappoint” List

I just watched the new Taylor Swift documentary “Miss Americana” on Netflix. Though my life is so far removed from Taylor’s I found myself choked up by the parts of her journey that overlap my own.

She talks about the need to please people- the feeling that she had to always be the “good girl”- the desire to be surrounded by approval to numb the internal insecurities of never feeling “enough”.

Taylor moves us from the emptiness of her silence to the freedom that came with finding a powerful voice beyond her music. She came alive when she stopped trying to be what everyone thought she should be.

The last couple days I’ve wrestled again with my life and my passion. (Although, I seem to have “wrestle with life and passion” as a recurring event in my calendar.)

I have become more and more convinced of my gifts and abilities to connect and communicate with people in a relatable heartfelt way- but also that my voice is meant to break the chains for women in the church, and others who are marginalized.

I told a friend today that I feel like a squeaky wheel sometimes- always digging in to my same main issues, too stubborn to let it go. I said this because I’m afraid I’m beating a dead horse; maybe I’ve carried these things far enough. Maybe everyone is eye-rolling and wondering when I’ll sit down and shut up already.

But my friend simply said, “Maybe sometimes that’s the only way change happens.”

Maybe the places we are most meant to affect change in the world ARE the things that we can’t shut up about. Maybe being a broken record doesn’t mean I’m stuck, but that the world is a bit stuck. Maybe getting angry when I talk about my passion isn’t a sign that I’m too emotional- but that my passion is worth fighting for. And if at the end of the day people think I’m obnoxious or stubborn or too idealistic- I suppose that’s a small price to pay if it brings a little change.

And as I watched Taylor in her disco ball dress, the culmination of freedom emerging from years of insecurity and people-pleasing- a question flashed across my mind:

Who do I actually care about letting down?

I don’t mean in a people-pleasing way. I mean, who are the people at the end of my life that I want to say I stood up for? Who are the people and what are the causes that are WORTH purposefully disappointing others for?

Because I’m actually pretty damn good at making people like me. And that’s partly because I really like people and I can start up a conversation just about anywhere. (In the last couple weeks alone I had a 30 minute convo with a vet at a McDonald’s playplace, talked enough to my Aldi delivery woman that she gave me her phone number, and had an unplanned but amazing creative chat with an author I barely know at a coffee shop.)

Being relational is great. But needing to be likeable- that’s not always a good thing. Because in order to please the world, I’m watering down who I am. I’m letting down the tribe of people that most need my authentic, stubborn, broken-record voice.

I hope I’m brave enough to let SO many people down so I can:

-Fight for my daughter, and her ability to see herself as a unique and equal part of the church alongside her brothers.

-Blaze a path for the women who have been wrongly told to sit down and be quiet and be good and not rock the church boat.

-Start catalyst conversations with the men (and often women) who disagree so that understanding can happen.

-Stand for the ones who (like me) have felt their very calling from God questioned and misunderstood by others while their brothers’ callings are encouraged.

– Advocate for foster care and adoption, even if people don’t understand or criticism and fear rings in my ear.

-Look at my own face in the mirror and know that I didn’t minimize the image of God in me or mock the person He made me to be.

-Look at Jesus one day and say, “I ran the race you gave me, even if others didn’t agree with it.”

Instead of worrying who I might let down, maybe I’d be better making a list of people I actually should be letting down- my “to disappoint” list. Because that means I’ve got time and energy and more clarity to devote to the ones that I can’t afford to live small or safe or inauthentically with.

I’m not all there yet. But something in me is changing. And I’m ready to build a fire with all the trappings of my people-pleasing and watch it blaze.

(And that feels pretty amazing. So thank you Taylor Swift.)