Signing Over the Rights to My Life

Recently I entered a contest where I had to create a holiday greeting of gratitude using Canva‘s graphic-design tools.

I don’t usually sign up for contests like this, but the prize was pretty amazing: two plane tickets to virtually anywhere. (And I figured even if there was some crazy-restrictive-small-font-fine-print, I would settle for two tickets in the generally area of “not my home.”)

But, of course, I procrastinated on finishing my entry, finalizing the details on my masterpiece marginally-acceptable-graphic-design with only hours to spare before the deadline ended.

Click! Now I’d sit back and wait for the day they announced the winner, and dream of all the places I could go! (So Dr. Seuss of me.)

But shortly after I submitted my entry, I received a comment stating that my design could not be included in the contest; the deadline had already passed.

Now, in my extremely weak defense, the deadline was posted in UTC (Universal Coordinated Time) and there was some other time-zone acronym in there as well, and “time zone differences” reside in the same part of my brain as “historically significant dates” and “places I might have put my child’s library book”. Ahem.

So I didn’t even get a fair chance at losing.

And when I read that super-polite comment that I missed the deadline, I lost it. Momentarily lost allllll my remaining marbles. I snapped at my son for no reason- I replied with a passive aggressive comment to the person who told me I posted too late, and then deleted my post. I felt this bitter moment of being a victim of some arbitrary rule.

When our reactions are disproportionate to reality, we need to take a minute and ask God what the root of our reaction is.

For me, after allowing myself some space to feel disappointment, God gave some clarity as to why I over-reacted to missing the contest deadline.

I have a lot of traveling dreams. I’d love to be able to see my parents more; I’d wanted to go to a Sseko conference in the summer in TN; I’d love to be able to visit my brother & sister-in-law in KA; I want to eventually visit Croatia. But most of these things feel outside my reach.

Not impossible- but not very practical. And especially as someone who doesn’t bring in a whole lot of income right now, I feel like I don’t always have permission to make big or financially impractical plans.

In my mind, winning these plane tickets was my solution. I wouldn’t have to ask permission to use extra money- I wouldn’t have to justify my dream- I wouldn’t have to validate my crazy plans.

I knew I didn’t have a great shot of winning that contest- but being told I wasn’t in the running at all felt like someone was stealing my golden ticket.

But maybe I live this way too often. How many times do I wait for some magic door to open? That person to call with the perfect speaking opportunity; the social worker to call with a waiting child situation that waives all normal policies & procedures; the fruitful results without the potentially risky investment.

I wait.

For fear that I might let someone else down. For fear that what I want isn’t practical. For fear that what I pursue might end in failure or mistake. For fear that the dream will cost someone else. For fear that people may think my goal is a waste. a luxury. self-centered.

But all the while I’m telling myself that I’m waiting on the permission of OTHERS or CIRCUMSTANCES- most often I’m actually just waiting on me.

If I really want to take a trip, I’d certainly have to talk to my husband and work it out with him. It would take planning and might cut into finances. But if it is truly a passion, I can give my own self permission to at least initiate the conversation.

With foster adoption, I could wait and talk it up all day long, but I know at the end of the day, I can’t be placed with a child unless I’m willing to do the work of preparing my home, my self, and my family through licensing. Even if that means taking a risk, and putting my family in a situation that might cost us all.

If I really want to be a speaker, I can make connections and reach out to new venues and even reach out a little farther than I’m comfortable even if I might be rejected. Or I can sit and wait for some magical moment and blame the failure of my dreams on other people.

That contest seemed like an easy yes to validate my dreams. But really, it was an excuse for me to not have to actually make any decisions. If people and circumstances dictate what is a priority or possibility for me- I relinquish both the risk and reward of intentional living.

Waiting on permission makes me believe I can blame someone or something ELSE if my life doesn’t quite go as I hoped. But the reality is- I was the one who signed over my rights to my life.

Yes, we make our plans and allow God to direct our steps. Yes, we are legitimately victims of people and circumstances sometimes. Yes, there are some dreams or goals that we simply cannot accomplish or realize.

But here’s a challenge to you (and me!) to start taking ownership of our decisions. Make a list of some mild-to-crazy dreams or goals you have. Then ask yourself who or what you are waiting on to pursue that? Ask God to join you in the process, and show you where you may be holding on more to what other people may think than what He thinks.

Then pick one baby action step and DO IT. (Whether it is asking your spouse about a trip- updating your resume- asking someone to join you in your dreaming- signing up for more information for that (dance, foster, Spanish, theology, ___________) class- or buying some really good running shoes so you can get out and move.

If you’re feeling brave and want to share your action with the rest of us, please comment! We’d love to hear where you are in your journey.