An Invitation to My Insecurity: Pre-Adoption Post #2

Happy New Year! I promised you all adoption updates in real time, and I admit I’m slacking slightly. We had our foster orientation in December and our first official class last night.

Aside from getting in a three-car-fender-bender on the way home from orientation (neither Jeff or I got hurt!), there wasn’t a whole lot to report.

That initial night was roughly an overview of what to expect moving forward, and an opportunity to meet the many fantastic couples that we’ll be partnering with as we go through our classes.

Jeff and I both agreed that there is definitely overlap between these classes and the classes we took 6 years ago. (Even some of the videos were repeats.)

But in foster/adoption world, rules and regulations, commissioners, and trends are ever-changing, and we’re grateful to get a better grasp of where the system is now. The issue I’m most interested to learn more about, is their goal to have “ice-breaker” meetings early on between the foster family and the birth family.

Our first foster/adoption situation was somewhat unique in that we didn’t have connection with the birth parents, but were able to visit with our son’s sibling. But I honestly am both nervous and grateful that in the future we may get more contact with the birth family. From our end, having had next to zero connection, I can see what we are missing.

But even though the classes have been somewhat similar to our last adoption process, the situation is no less nerve wracking this time around.

Part of our homework this week is to finish our official application, and -WARNING- this is not fun for an over-thinker like myself. I assume that anyone and everyone who has children struggles at points to feel that they are good enough. We worry we are being too soft on our kids; or maybe we’re being too strict! Despite all of our strengths, our weaknesses keep us awake at night, wearing us down with a whisper that we’re failing at one of the most important jobs we could ever have.

So if I’m honest- filling out this adoption application is a bit like personally inviting my insecurities to surface. I know I’m a good mom- but I can’t help reading through the list of questions and wrestling with the reality that:

1. I am not a perfect parent.
2. I do not have perfect kids.

I suppose they aren’t looking for perfect, but I struggle just the same.

The fear clencher for me was when one of our class instructors reminded us that they can’t promise us that we’ll be licensed just because we come to class. Obviously they have to make an assessment of each family to determine whether they think we are a good fit for fostering/adopting at this time. But she got my what-ifs going full speed.

And so my child-hood obsession with being the perfect student resurfaces. I get nervous when I raise my hand to give an answer and the teacher turns her head slightly to the side and gently challenges my response. I’m anxious that I’m talking too much in class and my introvert husband isn’t speaking enough. (What impression are we sending?!!) My brain over-thinks the line between being transparent on our form (which is important) without feeling the need to list every single moment as a parent when I could have done a better job. (Ask my husband. I’ve even confessed to him mistakes I’ve made in dreams I’ve had.)

But maybe this is part of what it means to face our insecurities head on. In this new year we hear a lot about letting old things go and facing the new. I don’t want to be someone who hides from rejection or insecurities by sitting safely on the sidelines. Facing my insecurities means opening myself up to all the what ifs- but it also means I’m not letting those fears write my story.

And I’m reminded when I hear more and more stories of kids who have been neglected and abused- THEY are who I’m fighting for by taking classes. filling out my application. fixing up my house. talking to my kids about legal risk. And those kids who have had to battle some crazy monsters of their own that I’ll never be able to imagine- well- they are certainly worth me being brave enough to face my insecurities as a parent.

(P.S. To anyone interested in starting up an adoption process, PLEASE let your close friends and family know about your journey before you even begin. They will talk you off the ledge when you’re overwhelmed, encourage you to keep going, and remind you why you’re in this to begin with.)

What are you afraid of as you step into your plans and God-dreams this year? What are some of the greatest insecurities you face? What would it look like for YOU to step out boldly in a way that invites your insecurities to surface so that they no longer have power over you underground?