Kids Say the Darndest Things!!! (And the Way We Respond Matters): Friend Post Series

I do have a good reason for not posting recently (I’ll be explaining that shortly) but hopefully I can make it up to you with an absolutely amazing post by my good friend, Carlee MacDonald.  I met Carlee when I was 16 and she has always been passionate about people, eager to learn and grow in faith, and embracing of my dorky humor (which is probably why we’re still friends today.)  Over the years I’ve watched how both the pain and joy of life have etched an indescribable beauty on her soul.  She’s one of the most honest people I know, and we all need a taste of that.  Though today she’d tell you her primary job in life is being a mother to her unfairly cute one year old, she continues loving people through her work at Love146 (www.love146.org), an organization birthed here in CT that seeks to end human trafficking.  She’s also a multi-talented musician and the most decorated escape room enthusiast I’ve ever known.  She offers invaluable insight from her own life experience into how we can have healthy dialogue with our kids (and ourselves!) over race in a very politically correct world.  I hope you’ll stay to read and encourage Carlee with comments or questions below!

KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS!!! (AND THE WAY WE RESPOND MATTERS)

by Carlee MacDonald

When my husband and I filled out the long and intimidating form, detailing what “types” of children we would be willing to adopt, we weighed out some of the pros and cons of adopting a child of a different race than us. We wondered whether we would be equipped, as a white couple living in a majority white community, to raise a child of a minority race with proper appreciation and understanding of their identity and culture. We knew that if we had a child who looked like us, we could avoid encountering personal questions from random strangers about adoption because people who did not know us wouldn’t suspect that our child wasn’t biologically ours. We also knew there would be value in being able to have those conversations- about adoption, and about race. We believed that having a child from a different background would provide us with experiences and a perspective that would be immensely valuable, and we ultimately decided to say that we were open to any race. We trusted God to place the child into our family that he had chosen for us, and to equip us as parents.

When we were placed with T, we were so overjoyed to welcome this sweet, beautiful baby into our family. We read adoption books and specifically books and blogs on trans-racial adoption, hoping to gleam some wisdom and to hopefully prevent ourselves from massively screwing this up. While these books provided some helpful tips and important perspectives, we ultimately know that we are beginning a lifelong learning process and that we will, in fact, make mistakes along the way. Many things can only be learned from life experience, and there are some things that as white parents, we simply may never quite understand.

I had been warned that people may say rude things- in the store, at church, in public, wherever. I braced myself for this possibility when we walked into the grocery store for the first time (for some reason everybody seems to have a horror story about interacting with strangers in the grocery store!) but was relieved to find that any comments about her were about how cute she is. (I’m sure it helps that she is absolutely freaking adorable!) The only “rude” comments that I have received have been from the mouths of children. I put rude in parentheses because while these very honest and blatant comments have occurred in very public moments and at the horror of the children’s parents, I also found each one to be pretty hilarious because you never know what kids are thinking as they are continually taking in the world around them. As I have observed these children’s comments and the parent’s reactions, I have noticed that the parents’ responses really made all the difference in whether the situation became awkward and embarrassing or simply a good teaching moment. I would like to share some of these stories and some advice as we try to navigate these awkward and important conversations.

I was hanging out by the pool with some close friends and our children, when a little girl proclaimed, “Mommy! One of the first things that people will know about T is that she is adopted, because she has different skin color from her parents!” My friend was totally embarrassed at this matter-of-fact comment, and reacted quickly, “Hey! We don’t need to talk about that!” This girl was as sweet and sincere as they come- and she said in confusion. “Why not?” She had no idea where she had gone wrong. Was adoption something not to talk about? Or having dark skin? Or both? I felt grateful that T was too young to understand what was going on, because I imagined that she may have felt in that moment that there was something wrong with her- something not to bring up in public, and at worst- something to be ashamed of.

I want to explain here that I am not out to criticize- honestly. I totally understand the embarrassed feeling that my friend must have experienced when her daughter loudly pointed out the differences in my child. I see why she wanted her to be quiet about it and please not bring these things up in public- we don’t want to make things awkward or make anybody feel bad. I wondered in that moment if I may have reacted the same way if I had been in her shoes, and what I might have said, and what I should have said. What is the correct response? There is no way to fully prepare ourselves for the questions that come out of our children’s mouths, at the most mortifying times! My purpose here is to reflect on the experiences I’ve had in my short time parenting an adopted child who also has different colored skin than most of the kids around here- and to encourage parents (and everybody!) with some tips for handling these sensitive moments.

1. Expose your kids to diversity from a young age.
“By exposing our children to the endless varieties of human relationships, we teach them not only about accepting others but about accepting themselves as well.”

I was at a new friend’s house recently, and as we were getting settled my friend’s son pointed to T and asked, “What is that animal?” We weren’t sure if he meant her or maybe something on her shirt, but her shirt had a big flower on it so we told him that it was a flower and he seemed satisfied. A couple minutes later, he headed to another room to play and called back to T, “Come on, animal!” My friend looked at me in disbelief and said, “Is he calling her…?” “Yes,” I laughed. “We get all kinds of weird questions from kids!” “Honey, her name is T!” she explained. And I felt the need to pipe in- “And she’s a person! A kid just like you.” My friend shook her head and sighed, “This is what we get for living in a white community.”

I know this friend well enough to state with confidence that she values human rights as a top priority. She fights for social justice daily and she has worked towards making her workplace both inclusive and equitable for people of any age, race, sexuality, or religion. She values diversity and I respect her greatly for the ways she has acted upon this value. Still, her son wasn’t sure what to make of a dark skinned little girl standing in front of him.

I think a good first step for parents who value diversity and who would like to see racial barriers be dissolved is to expose their kids to diversity at home. Having story books, toys, and shows in your home that feature a diverse set of characters is a great start. But ultimately, the greatest way to break down barriers between people is through relationships. If we can strive to have real community with people who have different races or backgrounds than us, we can truly learn to value diversity and understand these differences as both beneficial and beautiful.

2. Prepare yourself with some answers ahead of time.
We know that kids will come up with the craziest things, and there is no way to truly prepare ourselves with answers for every question or comment they will come up with. I still think it is a good idea to think through some possible responses when kids say weird, awkward, or downright offensive things. A couple things I’ve learned from friends with great answers is to affirm what is true, and to graciously correct what needs to be corrected.

My mom told me a story about when I was little, pointing out a man in the grocery store and asking why he had different colored skin. Instead of being ashamed, she simply agreed that yes, this man’s skin was different than mine. She explained that God made people all different colors, which is a good thing. Imagine if my box of crayons were all one color! How boring would that be? She took the opportunity to teach me the value of diversity and to validate my observation. Yes, his skin was a different color than mine- and that was really ok.

Recently at church, a little boy recognized me and happily exclaimed, “Look mommy! That is T’s owner!” My friend calmly and kindly corrected him, “It’s T’s mommy- right? Carlee is T’s mommy.” The boy agreed and moved on.

As adults- our minds immediately assume the worst. Calling a white parent the owner of a black child is not a great idea. What does that child think of T? That she is my property? Or that she is my pet? Honestly, I think that the boy was simply trying to reconcile the fact that she doesn’t look like me. He probably thought that I wasn’t her mommy because we looked so different, and he knew that we belonged together- so “owner” was the best word he could think of. When his own mommy corrected him without making a big deal of it, he understood.

3. Encourage conversation
We were at a picnic when I noticed my friend’s son closely examining his arm, and then eyeing T’s. He casually commented to his mom, “My skin is skin-colored. Her skin is brown.” He went on, “I don’t like her brown skin. I like my skin-colored skin.” The boy’s mom, equally as casual, replied, “Oh yeah? Why is that?”

Let me pause here and say that I was immediately impressed by the bravery of this mom for asking this question. This young boy could have opened a whole can of worms here. Instead, he explained, “My whole family has skin-colored skin. That’s why I like it.” His mom responded, “You know, her skin is skin-colored too. Yours is tan, and hers is brown. Skin can be all kinds of colors.”

Reflecting on that conversation, I was so grateful that my friend was so willing to engage in conversation with her son. Instead of being mortified that he had very clearly preferred his own light skin over T’s, my friend dug deeper to find out why he felt that way. She explained that skin comes in all different colors and that it was ok for them to be different.

We need to be brave enough to engage in conversations about our differences- with our kids, and with our peers. If we ignore that differences exist, we can’t have true community or benefit from the beauty of diversity. If we are ashamed about our differences, we are communicating that these differences are inherently bad. I don’t want my daughter to grow up thinking that it is embarrassing to talk about the fact that she is adopted, or that she is black, as if those things were something to be ashamed of. I also don’t want her to be isolated from people from different backgrounds because they are afraid to say the wrong thing. I hope that parents can provide a safe place for their children to discuss their questions, including any fears or confusion they may have. I hope that my peers can build meaningful relationships with people from diverse cultures and backgrounds, because we all have a lot to learn from each other. I hope we can be lifelong learners and that we can interact with grace and humility and we navigate sensitive issues. If we truly want to see barriers broken down between each other, we need to be willing to have conversations with each other. This is why I am putting my story out there as I embark on a lifelong process of parenting a child of a different race than me, and I hope that others are brave enough to share their stories as well.

Share some love!  If you enjoyed this post by Carlee, or have a story of your own to share, let her know by commenting!  Also, please share so others can read her powerful story.