Free to Be…

Fair warning- I’m going to process out loud here.  But maybe you can help, so if you’re feeling adventurous, read on.

Insecurity has followed me for a long time.  Certainly in those awkward middle school and high school years- absolutely in the moving across country away from friends who knew me as I was.

But here in adulthood- it seems I’ve grown more comfortable with myself- a bit more confident in who I am.  Or, well…so I thought.

Lately I’m realizing that although I’ve grown, I’m still trying to fit into a version of me that I think is acceptable. Acceptable to whom, I’m not sure.  I sometimes don’t want to acknowledge the parts of me that I fear aren’t likable, and other times I haven’t even given myself permission to acknowledge the things that make me, well…me.

It starts with the little things:

My family of six never went without anything, but we also had a tight budget most years.  So I grew up believing that thrifty and inexpensive is best.  Therefore, hand-me-downs dictated much of my style and when we went to a restaurant, I didn’t search the menu for what I’d MOST enjoy, I chose from what I’d most enjoy of the cheaper options.

This is part of life, and no I can’t always get what I want.  But the result is that for a long time I either didn’t know what I liked best, or I subtly grew to believe that a good, low-maintenance person is happy with the cheapest things possible.

So when I got married, I told my husband, “You don’t need to buy me flowers.  Why spend money on that?”  But later I realized, “Drat it all, I actually do like flowers.”  Hey, they can be half-priced, day-after Valentine’s flowers, but I love beautiful flowers.  (And it’s OK.)

Then there’s my friends- many of them don’t wear makeup.  We’re all thrift store people.  Some people feel like they don’t fit in if they DON’T wear make-up or trendy clothes.  Sometimes I’ve felt the opposite- like I’m quite possibly the most materialistic and vain person in my circle.  (I doubt my friends would say this about me, but still.)

And I can be quite sure about a decision I’ve made about parenting or otherwise, and still feel insecure around people I know disagree or do things differently.

Or take hobbies- I have friends who love to work out, run marathons, hike as a family or plan elaborate family adventure vacations.  I don’t.  Running sounds like a form of torture to me.  Could just be that I have a two year old who loves to run, but hiking sounds downright stressful.  And when my husband and I went away recently we seriously did nothing but walk around together, talking and finding good restaurants.  And we both had a blast.

Again- I’m finding I have to re-wire my brain to recognize that the things I enjoy aren’t inherently wrong, and I don’t need to constantly over-think myself.

And then I realize there are other things I’ve allowed to put me in a box- or define what I feel is acceptable for me to be or not.  For instance, I had no idea till recently how I’ve let my perception of acceptable roles for “women” subtly dictate how I dreamed about my future.

Are the lines I’ve been coloring inside of REAL or PERCEIVED?

And then there are those parts of me I KNOW exist that I’d prefer didn’t.  I joke with my parents and sibs that I’m the “emotional black sheep” of the family.  If someone is going to over-react emotionally to anything, it will likely be me.  Recently I felt sad over some family issue, and as I cried about it to my husband I said, “Don’t tell them, though.  I don’t want them to know I’m THAT person.”

THAT person….who had broken expectations, who felt let down, who acted a bit too needy, who used her imagination to assume the worst.  But for better or worse, I am THAT person sometimes, and everyone else gets to be “THAT” person in one way or another.

We all react differently to pain or joy, and perhaps security means honestly experiencing life as my personality was made to, without trying to stuff and stifle and fear I’m reacting “wrong”.  There are probably other people who think there’s something wrong with them for not being more emotional.  I can only imagine, of course.

No matter what, most of us think there’s something not quite normal about us- something wrong.  Of course we each have legitimate strengths and weakness in who we are.  No one is perfect and we can always seek to grow.  But I’m wondering if I need to stop trying to find out what’s WRONG with me, or where I might not be living up to what someone else wants, and just admit to who I am right here right now. As friends recently told me, God can break off the parts of me that don’t need to be there, but the rest is how I was uniquely and intentionally made.

Can I even accept that I’m completely loved by God right now, just as I am, “THAT” person and all?

What does that look like?  What does it mean to acknowledge who you are and what it looks like to color within the lines God drew for your life?

(Thanks, brave ones, for following my inner-dialogue to the end.)