The Secret Life of a Stay-At-Home-Mom
Mom. It’s a wonderful role. But when you stay at home any number of days with your kids, sometimes the daily things become a bit monotonous. We say children have active imaginations, but I’d like to think we stay-at-home Moms and Dads let our imaginations do a little makeover to our lives from time to time. I mean, come on, if our husbands (or wives- not trying to overstereotype here) get to slip away into their fantasy football and video game world and play pretend, why not us?
Go with me here.
I’m not just mom, I’m parking lot vigilante. Double-parkers beware! I may not actually swoop in with super-human strength and move the vehicles that violate the most fundamentally understood parking rules, but I will use my super typing skills to vent to the whole FB world until justice is served…er…until everyone knows that justice SHOULD be served.
I’m not reaaallly a grocery shopper- I’m just masquerading as a grocery shopper to accomplish my ultimate task of buying things that are not on our grocery list. Diet coke? Not on the list- but we have company coming at the end of the week and I’m going to get it anyway. (PLUS I’m going to hide it in my secret stash so no one will drink it before our friends are here. muahaha.) Aldi is my store of choice for secret purchases- with such low prices on food, and such random- limited-time-general merchandise, who knows what I might sneak into our “grocery” budget: flower seeds, a shoe rack, kitchen mat, compost pail, paintable sugar cookie kit, a hand tiller. Oh yes.
I’m not realllly cleaning house. I’m conducting highly complex scientific research. I intend to get results on the following: How many days one can go without cleaning the toilet before it becomes obvious; How long it takes an average vacuum cleaner to die from exposure to Christmas tree pine needles;
Chart the most time effective soaking method of dirty pots and pans based on the composition of food that is caked on (sometimes in the name of science I must leave pots and pans soaking for days- trial and error, you know);Whether or not one can “use the force” to mind control children into cleaning their rooms, etc.
I’m not putting the children to bed- I’m practicing my ninja skills. If I’ve already put the first kid to bed, I can practically tuck and roll out of the second kids room to get downstairs without the first kid seeing me. I haven’t quite perfecting hiding on the ceiling, but I can sneak out of a kids bed without waking them up, and I’m learning to avoid the floor boards that creak the most.
Then there’s always the days of being a run-of-the-mill magician. For instance, when I attempt to sneak a grape off my son’s plate and he catches me as I pop it in my mouth and start chewing- I use slight of hand to steal ANOTHER grape from my daughter’s plate and convince Luke I’ve somehow returned his original grape unscathed. Kids trying to steal my cell phone? Now you see it…now it is magically under the couch cushion and a distracting tv show is miraculously on. When Char then has a melt down about the TV being turned off? I send her to her room for a few minutes (or much longer- the trick changes every time)- and shaaaaazam!! She is restored to her usual happy self. If I need 5 minutes alone time? I don’t have a magical box with a secret panel, but I do have a bathroom and a door lock. It’s practically the same thing.
One day I’ll finish perfecting my alter-identity…which I’ve told Jeff will require red or blue highlights for my hair, and another tattoo. It’s a shame alter-identity purchases can’t be snuck into the grocery budget.
Well- life calls- I guess it’s time for me to go back to being “just a Mom”…wink wink.
THIS ! is exactly what you are made to do, my dear 🙂 Loved reading it ! Gave me happy smiles at the end of the day …thanks !